Wear and Tear

People keep asking me what happened to my shoulder. It's a natural enough question, considering I just had surgery on it. This question was the opening gambit in every small talk conversation initiated by nurses, anaesthesiologists, physical therapists, and others who have guided me on this journey.

The answer, though, is that nothing happened to my shoulder. I stay fairly active, but there was no acute moment of injury. I didn't get it torqued during a roll on the jiu-jitsu mat. I didn't crush it by push-pressing an ill-advised vanity load, nor did I blow it out throwing punches at a heavy bag during boxing class. Instead, it was a slow deterioration. I was undone by my inability to escape the entropic decay that wears down all tools over time, including the human body.

Nerve coating has been worn down over time and bone spurs were digging into my tendons. It started a couple of years ago. I noticed extra pain after a shoulder workout. I began to have difficulty removing my shirt. It was gradual until it was sudden. Getting older is not for the faint of heart, and some wear and tear is to be expected. I started icing. Eventually, I tried physical therapy, which seemed to help a little but failed to move the needle on mobility and pain.

Weirdly, I felt the most discomfort not during or after a particularly taxing session in the weight room but after a day just kinda walking around. The shoulder hurt more when my arm hung unsupported for any length of time. As my job is sedentary with most of the day spent with my elbows resting comfortably on the desk as I slowly read and respond to emails, the pain from my shoulder was manageable, most of the time. Vacations or trips where I would be away from supported positions were the worst. I started wearing a sling most of the time.

I also tried cortisone shots. They turned the volume down on the pain, for a little while but I still felt the underlying sting. It constantly felt like my shoulder wanted to pop, but it never did. Eventually, the efficacy of these wore out and my doctor finally scheduled me for surgery.

The procedure itself took a few hours, during which I was mercifully sedated. I came to with a nerve block in place that turned the entire arm into a numb and useless noodle. As it wore off, the pain set in. In retrospect, I preferred the noodle.

It's amazing how quickly and totally Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs collapses down when you are in acute physical discomfort. Suddenly, figuring out the best strategy for rising from the couch without jostling the shoulder or putting any weight on my arm became the most important strategic decision in my life. I stopped thinking about where my career was going, or if I was feeling spiritually unfulfilled. All that mattered was the next 30 seconds. It made me constantly aware of my body, its placement, and its path through space.

There is a zen quality to being so directly in the moment, although on balance I can't recommend it.